For Mom

Graduating from college has been nothing short of the most humbling, difficult and trying experience of my lifetime. This isn't because the course work was overly rigorous, though rigor certainly played a role. It wasn't because of the late nights and early mornings. It wasn't because of the exhaustion. My college path was so, so different than the one I expected I would take.

Ever since I can remember I was going to graduate high school, go to BYU, marry a boy who was also going to BYU, probably when I was 19 (#BurnhamCurse), then I was going to graduate from BYU and have some babies. I prayed a mission would get thrown in before the marriage part, but since I was Burnham Cursed, it wasn't likely. Though I would tell my parents: "If he is the one I'm supposed to marry, he will be there when I get back!" That was the plan. That's what everyone in my family did. I was the youngest. I looked forward to following the script. 

Looking back now, I think all of my siblings, and my parents, would tell you, that is not the script they followed, but as a youngster, that was my perception of the script. That is what I wanted. Those were my dreams. 

Luckily for me, I met my husband when I was 16 years old. And I knew from the day I met him, or better stated I hoped, he was going to be precisely that, my husband. Love at first sight, I tell you. Really, confirmation at first sight. I've never felt so impacted, first meeting another person, the way I was when I first met Kyle. There was something different about him. There still is. I loved him. I love him. 

But, at the time, meeting him didn't really change my plans. I could still accomplish all the above listed dreams, in the above listed order (except I was terrified of Kyle, who was a year older than I was, going to BYU and meeting someone else....because what college freshman would still pine for their high school girlfriend? I mean, seriously.) But, Kyle didn't go to BYU. He decided to go on a mission right out of high school. Well, give or take a handful of months while he waited to turn 19. I was so excited for him. He was excited, too and away he went.

I proceeded with my plan. Except, I didn't get into BYU. 

I should've gotten into BYU. I mean, at least that is what I tell myself. I know so many people who were "less qualified" who got in. I didn't. I had the grades. The recommendations. The essay. My dreams were shattered! What was I supposed to do now? I had applied to three other schools. I got scholarships to all of them. But I didn't even get accepted by BYU. 

In my dream-shattered state, I turned to the scriptures. I wanted comfort. I opened to a verse and started reading--2 Nephi 20:33 "...and the high ones of stature shall be hewn down; and the haughty shall be humbled." I'm pretty sure I threw my scriptures and said "UGH I GET IT!" through my tears. 

About a month before acceptance letters were sent around my mom told me she had had a conversation with the mother of another girl I went to church with. The daughter was also applying to BYU that year. The mothers were discussing the odds and what not. My mom expressed how anxious I was about whether or not I would be accepted to which the other mom said: "My daughter said 'If anyone gets in it will be Alivia. She gets everything she wants.' "

I do not get everything I want. 

That girl got accepted, though. 

Even though I had applied to BYU-Idaho, I was absolutely under no circumstances going to go there. It was the school you went to when you got rejected from BYU. How embarrassing was that? If I had to get rejected from BYU, I certainly wasn't going to broadcast it to the world by going to BYU-Idaho. 

But, my mom, wisely, suggested we at least go and see what the school was like. I had never been there before, no one in my family had (refer above...*roll eye emoji*) So, we packed a bag and drove down to the 'Burg--Rexburg, Idaho. 

The second we stepped onto campus, a powerful wave washed over me and I knew this was where I was meant to be. No matter how much I DID NOT WANT and I repeat, DID NOT WANT to be there, I knew it was the right place for me. A few months later, I became the newest resident of Rexburg, Idaho. 

There are so so so many things about my time in Rexburg that I could mention here...but this post is already going to be lengthy. Suffice it to say, it was absolutely where I was meant to me. 

A month into my freshman year, the missionary age change happened. EXCUSE ME WHILE I WEEP. I turned 19 during my "off track" at BYU-Idaho. You know where I would not have been off track? BYU. 

I left after the first semester of my freshman year to serve a mission. 

I got home and was engaged, quickly, to my high school sweetheart, the one, the only Kyle Brown.

But, he was going to school is New York. 

Another semester at BYU-Idaho before we were married and I ran across the country to support and be with my love. What now?

Many options were considered, namely, transferring to a nearby college and maybe even Cornell. I certainly would not finish school online. The stigma. I was not one of those people. I was intelligent. I was a hard worker. I LIKED school.  Transferring it was. 

But, no school really had the program I was looking for (Cornell had just gotten rid of their Family Studies major a few years previous.) But, BYU-Idaho did....

Just before the end of my last campus-semester at BYU-I, I switched my major from Sociology to Marriage and Family Studies. And, wouldn't you know it, that was one of the offered online degrees.

So, again, I did what I swore I would never do. I enrolled as a full-time online student. I worked. I studied. I completed an internship that was amazing.

Then I got pregnant. 

BUT I WAS STILL IN SCHOOL. But, again, I was online. So, while having a child and going to college is not convenient, I happened to already be fully invested in the most convenient option.  

Let's revisit the script:

Graduate high school 

Go to BYU

Marry a boy who goes to BYU, at 19

Graduate from BYU

Have babies

I took my dream life and crumpled it up and tossed it out of a fast moving car. Heavenly Father took what I thought I wanted and gave me so much more than I could've ever dreamed. He gave me Kyle (!!!), He gave me New York, He gave me my sweet Ezra, He gave me an online program. 

I have fought my own worst feelings throughout this process. Fighting my prejudices. Fighting other peoples' prejudices, stigmas, and assumptions. This was why graduating from college was the most difficult thing I have done thus far. 

Every step of the way I felt I needed to justify why I was doing what I was doing. Why I was at BYU-Idaho. Why I was doing school online. Why I had chosen my major. 

Imagine being in an Ivy League atmosphere, surrounded by some of the world's greatest minds, being pregnant and married to one of Cornell's basketball players, and saying to a world renowned professor "I am finishing my degree online, in Marriage and Family Studies." Just try and let that sink in. I didn't have a chance to explain my reasoning. To explain my field. To explain that I had not, in fact, been knocked up by this basketball player. The looks, you guys. OH THE LOOKS. I have never received so many pitiful looks in my life as I did as a pregnant counterpart to a D1 basketball player in the state of New York. My lanta. "Her poor ruined life" they must have thought. Every time someone looked at me I wanted to scream " WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS." 

I digress. 

Brigham Young University-Idaho had a stigma. "Not as good"

Online degrees had a stigma. "Not rigorous" 

Marriage and Family Studies had a stigma. "MRS. degree."

And there was I was in the thick of it. I have felt like I was weeping and wailing and gnashing my teeth against these three things for the past five years. Here's what I have to say, what I have learned.

BYU-Idaho: Brigham Young University-Idaho has an atmosphere that is unmatched by any college campus I have ever been on. It is the only Church school where the honor code is highly enforced, and that brings a unique Spirit to the campus. The power of the campus wide Learning Model is inspired. My teachers were phenomenal, some of them are still my friends today. My classes were intriguing. The devotionals were impactful. The friendships, life altering. I am a proud Brigham Young University-Idaho alumna. I love BYU-Idaho.

{And, I learned, a lot of people who went to BYU-Idaho were accepted to BYU and chose to go to BYU-I instead !?!?!? *dumbfounded emoji* "I guess this place isn't exactly what I thought...." I said to myself, 1,000 times.}

My one *negative* judgement about BYU-Idaho is simply that it caters almost exclusively to people who think generally in the same way. I remember in one class mentioning that I was not a conservative (politically) and I mean, there were some angry remarks made. I would not have minded a bit of diversity of thought. But, with that being said, I was on Cornell's campus during the majority of my schooling, so, the diversity quota was filled in that way.

Online Schooling: It was never my first choice and it still wouldn't be my first choice. But, I am eternally grateful that it was A CHOICE. My online program used the exact same web interface/program that I used when I was a campus student. I communicated with my professor and other students in the same way. I turned in assignments the same way. I learned what my assignments were the same way. I did my reading the same way. I had assignments due throughout each week, I had projects, I had papers, I had group work, I had required synchronous class meetings, I met with my professor. I completed an internship. It was all exactly the same, except I didn't go to a physical classroom.

And you know what online programs do to make up for you not going to class? (A class where many of the students do not attend and/or pay attention/are engaged in any way anyway) You get more work. You get additional reading. You get more group projects. You write more papers. More, not less. 

My program was a miraculous blessing in my life and the life of my family. It allowed me to support my husband, have a child, dedicate the majority of my time to that child, while completing a college education. A college education, I will add, that was a fraction of the cost that it wouldve been had I transferred to a school in New York. Hello, freedom from college loans. (Thanks, Dad <3)

I recently had a conversation where a friend said: "Oh, you're going to graduation? But, weren't you an online student?" 

Ow. 

Yes, I went to graduation and walked alongside all other graduates. And my transcript doesn't say "online graduate" it just says "graduate."

Marriage and Family Studies: The MRS. degree. I have started answering that I am graduating in Marriage and Family Therapy or Marriage and Family Education, because that clears up for people what the major actually is. 

No, I never took a sewing class. Or a cooking class. 

I did take a lot of family theory, sociology, psychology and social work classes.

But, even if my major was about sewing or cooking, why are we so opposed to that idea? Why does it feel wrong? Just something to think about.

This major preps a student to continue onto graduate school, many of whom will do so to become Marriage and Family Therapists. I want to do Family Life Education (CFLE).

I truly believe there is nothing more foundational to the wellness of society than the family. If I was going to make any sort of difference in the world, I had to start at the base. You can't build on a sandy foundation. You want to see more high school and college graduates? Family. You want people just, by golly, to be nicer to other people? Family. You want changes in drug use, alcoholism, obesity, recidivism, violent crime, _______ (insert ANYTHING here)? Family. Strengthen the family. If I wanted to impact the world, I needed to help families. That is why I chose this major. 

I graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho with a degree in Marriage and Family Studies. I walked in Rexburg, ID with all the other graduates, campus students and otherwise. My diploma doesn't say "Completed online" but maybe it should say: 

Completed as both a campus and online student

Completed with a two year break to serve the Lord

Completed while planning a wedding

Completed with two major cross country moves, and two minor cross country ones

Completed while pregnant

Completed while raising another human being

Completed while breastfeeding

Completed while holding a sleeping infant on my lap and typing over his little body, but not too loudly, because I don't want him to wake up

Completed during nap time

Whatever it says, and whatever the form the journey took, I am just glad it will say: completed.