Spirituality and Motherood

The last several months I have felt spiritually lacking. It did not seem I was having the same spiritual connections and moments that I had had before having Ezra. I was still reading my scriptures. I was still praying. I was still attending the temple (albeit, not as frequently, because #kids). I was still taking the sacrament. I was still trying to serve. But, something was different.

For one of my classes this semester, each week we have to do a "sharpening the saw" activity. Those who have read Seven Habits of Highly Effective People will know what that means. We have to choose a different category: spiritual, physical, mental, etc. and spent 45 minutes sharpening our saw outside of our normal activities. This week, I chose spiritual. 

My "sharpen the saw" lead me to lds.org watching Bible Videos. I chose to watch the "Act of the Apostles." Since I was blessed, several years ago now, to participate in the filming of these videos, they have a special place in my heart. I remember what it felt like to have Peter preach, with tears in his eyes, as he looked into my own (even if he was just an actor.) I remember what it felt like when the man playing Christ walked onto set for the first time. I knew it wasn't real, but you could've fooled my spirit--it FELT real. These feelings resurface each time I watch these videos. I watched the video Stephan's Martyrdom. The last line of the video (Acts 7:60) "Lord, lay not this sin to their charge..." touched my heart. It was powerful; the forgiveness astounding. I felt that deep connection, that spiritual moment, that I thought I had been missing. 

In that moment, the Spirit taught me something: those moment had never left me. They are just different now. 

Before having Ezra, I found moments of spirituality in scripture study, prayer, bible videos, etc. I still find them there, but these activities are so often punctuated by needing to wipe some sort of baby body part. They are interrupted by a cry or a book being dropped at my feet. They are paused to cut up another few bites of chicken and add another spoonful of peas to a highchair tray.

Now they are different. I have those moments of spirituality as I rock my baby to sleep and experience the love of Heavenly Parents through the love I feel for him. I have them as I whisper in Ezra's ear what is happening and why as we take the sacrament in Church. I have them as a friend watches my baby so I can grab laundry from the laundromat and I am reminded of people's goodness. I have them as I watch my husband comfort our son who just fell down and feel gratitude for his gentleness. 

I have them. Every day. They are different, but they are just as significant. 

Maybe, they are the most significant.